Letting Go is Not Failure

I’m a goal-setter—and a goal-meeter. I always have been. Since I was a kid, I’ve had my life tightly scheduled with things I want to try and things I want to accomplish, and that’s how I’m happy. If people tell me to “relax,” it grates on my last nerve. I do relax. I do go on vacation when I can, I kick back and read books or watch TV—I really do. But the fact is, I just love being busy and doing stuff.

And this month, I found myself starting my manuscript’s first draft the same week I began 16-week training for a half marathon.

(By the way, I’ve never run that distance in my life. I’ve maxed out at about 4.5 miles. But I wanted to try it, so on a whim, I registered for the NYC Lives Half Marathon on Coney Island. I had that excited feeling I get when I commit to a tough goal, and I felt that pressure to perform on which I thrive.)

I registered for the race in December 2019, but Covid-19 had other ideas, and the race was rescheduled from September 2020 to September 2021. Which means I had to start my 16-week training the first week of May. Coinciding with my four-month first-draft plan for this manuscript, May 1 to August 31.

Whatever, I thought. I mean, I exercise every day in some form anyway. Running will just take the place of my other exercising and I can easily keep the same schedule.

But not really. The overwhelm caught up to me, and fast … by the third week of running, I was struggling. I dragged myself home from the high school track where I had run a dismal couple of miles and flopped on the couch. I just wanted to go to bed, wake up, and—do it all over again?

What if … what if I decided not to run?

I let myself feel all the feelings of giving up the race. I wouldn’t be able to say I did it. I’d feel like I’m slowing down my goals and my fitness because I’m getting older. I’d have to admit to the people I told about it that I could do it, and I’d changed my mind.

But.

I’d have more strength for other workouts I enjoy more. I’d have more energy for the book. I’d be taking control of my life and my calendar and I would not NOT be quitting—just making a prioritized decision. I could run some 5K races this year and have fun in them. I could consider my entry fee in the half to be a donation, and maybe go to visit Coney Island this summer for a hot dog instead.

So I did it. I crossed off all the training dates in my planner, and as I did, I realized something: I learned the lesson that letting go and prioritizing is not failure. And that lesson of self-respect is a far bigger success for me than pushing myself over another finish line would have been.