Being Willing to Ruin My Perfect Idea

“Every book is the wreck of a perfect idea.” –Iris Murdoch

 Not the most optimistic quote in the world, but one that resonates with me as I madly prepare for the first draft of my next novel. And I’m happy to know that others feel this way, because for my first half-dozen books, I was positive I was the only one who felt this, and I felt unable to describe the feeling to people who weren’t writers.

But this is the feeling: As I’m drafting, and the words come out of my mind and I see them on the page, I feel more and more frustrated with every sentence. It’s as though between my brain and my typing fingers, the ideas morphed and shifted and warped, and what I see in front of me is nowhere near the ideal and perfect story I saw in my head.

I don’t understand it; how does the story come out so messed up? I know exactly what I want to say! I know exactly what I want the characters to do, and say, and think, so why are they saying and doing and thinking similar things but not quite right things? I’m trying so hard! What is wrong with me?!?

I’m relieved this happens to other writers, because I don’t feel so singularly stupid, but I wish I knew how to translate abstract thought into a concrete story. Even at the end, after all the edits, after good reviews, after good sales, I still harbor the secret feeling that I never got the story quite right.

And it’s particularly frustrating to me now that I have an idea I think is my best book idea yet (though admittedly I’ve probably been convinced of that for every one of my books). My plan is to plot and outline this book through the rest of March and April, and start a first-draft process on May 1 which hopefully will take about four months.

That’s the plan. And I’m looking forward to May 1 because I really want to start writing; I love this story. But I’m also dreading May 1—will that be the day I have to admit I’m going to wreck my best idea with my own incompetence?

Giving up has never been an option for a Safrey.

Sticking to the plan is all I can do. I’ll have to squelch the emotional little girl inside me screaming, “You’re ruining the whole thing!” with every sentence, page, chapter I complete. I have to release the expectations, and rather than trying to reach a perfect idea, I need to learn enjoy the story that does unfold and take shape, and know that it’s mine, and know that I’m doing my best. And I have to trust that though it might not come out the way I expected, it will come out the way it’s meant to.

Plan. Release. Trust.